Regardless of one's age, life is filled with hopes, dreams, and expectations. You and your spouse are moving toward your goals and establishing yourselves as individuals and as a couple. You may already have children, or are thinking about having them. Maybe you are buying a home, or working toward getting into another that better suits your wishes and needs. Whatever your goals, they are what you and your spouse are working towards together.
At the same time, you may be struggling as an individual to some degree, in regard to who you are, what you want, and how you want the world to see you. You may not know what being "grown up" is supposed to feel like. Or maybe you've never been in a position where you've had to make so many decisions on your own. "How do I know this is what I want?" "What if I'm wrong?" "Am I sure about this?" These are all big questions.
When you're still trying to figure out who you are while you're trying to establish yourself as an adult, it's easy to misread someone else's intentions - in this case your mother-in-law's. If you already doubt yourself a bit, her behavior may appear as if she's challenging what you think or something you've done. If you're like most people you become defensive. And when that happens it shows in your behavior. You get hurt and angry and so you shut down, get snippy, or just try to avoid your mother-in-law altogether. You may pick fights with your husband, try to get him to "deal" with his mother, or refuse to deal with her at all. Ultimately, the tension and stress between you and your mother-in-law will just continue to grow, with no end in sight.
On the other hand, some of you may feel quite confident with who you are. You may simply want a chance to create a life with your spouse - without the "drama" your mother-in-law seems to bring whenever she's around. In this scenario, it often feels like no matter what you do, nothing seems to make a difference. "Why does she have to be like that?" seems to come out of your mouth after the two of you are around each other. So, naturally, you find it's easier to just not be around her. This probably seems easier, but actually it's not. Then, all the reasons you give to really limit your time with your mother-in-law often create tension, discomfort, or an obvious "void" that is felt by everyone - first and foremost, your mother-in-law. Which means your mother-in-law will react to the negativity she's sensing, then you'll react to her, and then she'll react, and so on and so on. Ugh!
You may be saying to yourself, "But I wouldn't act this way if my mother-in-law didn't act the way she does." This is true in some - but not in all - cases. So it's extremely important to understand when this really isn't the case. Before you assume you are justified in reacting the way you do to your mother-in-law, remember to realize that nothing in a relationship is black and white. We all can benefit from looking at the bigger picture, including looking at our own reactions and behavior. How might your behavior intensify the situation instead of defuse it? Is there maybe another way you could handle the situation to help you feel better about yourself and the situation?
Reflecting on your Relationship with your Mother-in-Law
The following questions will help you begin to put defuse any tension between yourself and your mother-in-law. They will help you view your mother-in-law in a different light, as well as help you to see how your behavior may impact others.
Ask Yourself:
Do you feel yourself getting "edgier" the closer it comes to spending time with your mother-in-law?
How does this "edginess" affect how you feel, perceive, and respond to the people around you? (husband, mother-in-law)
Do you feel your mother-in-law judges you, criticizes you, or seems to want to control the interaction/situation between the two of you? 1) When you feel this way, how do you respond? 2)How do you think this response makes your mother-in-law feel?
When you feel angry or resentful, how does it come out in your behavior with your mother-in-law?
Do you find you're reacting to situations with your mother-in-law instead of being proactive?
Do you feel you don't particularly like who you become when you're around your mother-in-law?
What would be your "fantasy" mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship - what would it look like?
Reflecting on these questions will not only help you understand yourself better, but it will help you understand your mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship better as well. And now she will perceive you for who you really are, not for who she thinks you are.
Deanna Brann, Ph.D. - Your In-Law Survival Guide - is an author and speaker who helps mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law get along together better, forever. Not only is she a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law, but she is also a licensed clinical psychotherapist, with nearly 30 years of experience in the mental health profession. As a private practitioner for more than 20 years and a researcher on the subject of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships, she spreads the word on why this relationship is so difficult and gives women simple tools to transform this relationship for the better. Dr. Brann is also writing a book on mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships and her interactive website - http://drdeannabrann.com/ - is a place to ask questions and find answers!
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