If you are having a tough time with your mother-in-law, I've been there and I know how painful it is! At the beginning of our marriage my in-laws openly and covertly criticized me. The conflict reached blow-out proportions on occasion. Marriage and raising children are challenging enough without conflict with our in-laws. I wouldn't wish in-law troubles on anyone. Fortunately, I found a better way that I am going to share with you.
So what was the key to transforming my relationship with my in-laws? I had the fortune to take a course from a woman, Suzanne Raja of Warrior Sage. She shared her story of going from in-laws who were dead-set against her, to being the adored daughter-in-law. Even better, Suzanne didn't sacrifice her values or do anything she didn't want to do in order to win them over. I vowed to follow her approach, and the results have been so wonderful!
Just to assure you that our conflict was real, I'll describe a few of the challenges we faced during the first few years of our marriage. One memorable blow-out occurred while we were visiting them at Christmas. My husband Rob and I were lying in bed when we heard his mom and dad loudly criticizing my sister-in-law and I because 4 dishes were left in the sink after we'd had ice cream! Rob got up and blew up at them for singling out his wife and sister-in-law. (We never can tell if the dishes were clean or dirty in their dishwasher, which is why all four of us had left them in the sink in the first place!) It was an awful confirmation for my sister-in-law and myself that they were harsh and damning in their criticism of us.
After the birth of our first child, things got worse. I was struggling with a colicky baby and the transition into parenting. I felt that I couldn't measure up to their expectations, and I resented them for not seeing me for who I am. My husband was great about taking my side, but it was not fun for any of us, and I envisioned decades of misery with them.
We soon had another memorable blow-out when we set a boundary around their visits. Given how criticized I felt by them and their unrealistically high standards, I was not okay with them calling and announcing that they were coming down the next day for a multiple day visit! This happened often, until Rob put his foot down. It was a very unpleasant experience; they immediately packed up and stormed out of our house, vowing to never return.
I hated being in a battle with my husband's parents. So I was receptive when the solution was presented to me. Rob and I were at a great course called Sex, Passion and Enlightenment. The woman, Suzanne Raja, shared how when she first met her husband's family, they were dead set against her. Her parents are Jamaican and his parents are East Indian. They were not okay with their son choosing a woman from another race.
Suzanne's reaction was brilliant. She choose not to stay stuck in their rejection of her, which clearly was not personal; they would have rejected any other woman of her race. Instead, she set an intention that she would win them over, and she did. Suzanne could have chosen to be right about how ignorant her in-laws were being, but instead she choose a path that brought her in-laws out of the ignorant place they were in, and created peace for generations to come.
As I listened to her, seven or eight years into our marriage, I was struck by the beauty and brilliance of her decision. I could see clearly the two paths diverging in the woods, and I wanted off the well-trodden one. I could see that my in-laws' rejection of me was a type of culture shock; our families were polar opposite in most ways. My in-laws weren't actually seeing me, much as Suzanne's in-laws hadn't seen past the color of her skin.
Once I was able to make this simple but profound shift in perspective, my actions changed. In another article I talk about the importance of beginning with your vision for your family. Our vision for our family is a powerful tool for creating the family you want. Once I had the vision of me slowly winning his parents over, our conflict began to fade. Over the next few years, without me even being that aware of when it happened, his parents ceased to be the enemy and we began to genuinely love each other. As my attitude changed, so did theirs.
Now it is hard for me to remember fighting with my in-laws. I adore them now, and I know they adore me. I enjoy their visits and don't feel that my house has to be perfect and the kids angels in order to meet their approval. I don't feel judged, and I am not the harsh critic of them that I was. I appreciate them for bringing my husband into the world and doing the best that they knew how with him. We still have profound differences in how we choose to lead our lives, but I am able to love them anyways, and they me.
What a gift for myself, my husband and kids! I grew up well-aware of my parents' issues with in-laws. It hurt because those in-laws were my biological relatives so I felt involved in the conflict somehow. That was one of the reasons I hated being in so much conflict with my in-laws. Ironically the pattern was everywhere; my mother-in-law and hers had issues too! I was tired of the conflict that robbed us of the joy of family times, and I am so grateful that it is long done!
At first I confess I was in a negative enough space that my motivation was partly arrogance. I felt that the fact I was smart enough to take the upper hand and fix this bad situation proved my superiority. I'm glad that I evolved past that arrogance. However, even though I wish I could have been more purely altruistic, the most important thing is I changed my focus. Eventually that helped me get into a more altruistic place.
So thank you Suzanne and Satyen Raja for your amazing course, and for sharing this gold nugget of wisdom! You changed a negative pattern that had existed in both of our families for generations. You helped me to be a better person, mom, wife, and daughter-in-law while also making me so much happier. I love my in-laws now and feel truly blessed to have them in my life.
I'd love to hear your experiences with transforming your in-law relationships. Email me at info@GreatParentingPractices.com to share your story, make a comment or to ask me a question about in-laws or other parenting issues.
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To great parenting!
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