Can you hear the bells? Wedding season is almost here and many women (along with their mothers, sisters and friends) are in the throes of wedding preparation. There is so much to do - invitations, dresses, showers, flowers, ceremony location, reception details, and on and on. There seems to be an endless list of "to do" details. If you are a bride-to-be you're focused on making your "big day" the best day ever. At the same time if you're the groom's mother, you may be trying to figure out what you are supposed to do and how you're supposed to be.
More times than not, whether you're going to be a mother-in-law or a new daughter-in-law, you fall into one of two categories: you either haven't thought at all about how this new woman will fit in your life, or conversely, you have focused a great deal on what you want this relationship to be. Either way you look at it, and from either side of the "in-law" connection, you're likely to set yourself up for struggles with this new and important relationship.
So let's look for a minute at your expectations. What kind of relationship do you want to have with your mother-in-law, with your daughter-in-law? How will you incorporate this new woman into "your" family? Both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law play an important role in the newly enlarged family. How can each woman make this a smoother, easier transition for themselves and for their new in-law? Here are some things to think about as you move into your new role as mother-in-law or daughter-in-law:
Mothers-in-law:
You raised your son to be bright, thoughtful, and loving - trust him, trust is choices.
Your relationship with your son is changing. He's a man and he is soon to be a husband - let him go. Graciously accept your new relationship with him.
Your son loves this woman - learn why, and embrace those things about her.
She, too, loves your son - cherish that, as you want only the best for him.
Daughters-in-law:
You love this man - his mother played a part in developing those things you love about him.
This is your husband's mother - she matters to him.
You have power in this new relationship with her - use it thoughtfully.
She is as uncertain as you are - so treat her with compassion.
As you continue to prepare for the "big day," remember to think beyond the wedding. How do you see yourself fitting into your new family? How do want your new family relationships to be? Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have a unique relationship. They love and are loved by the same man. Because his love for each woman is different, they must learn to embrace the differences and celebrate the things they have in common. So, what kind of mother-in-law or daughter-in-law do you see yourself to be?
Deanna Brann, Ph.D. - Your In-Law Survival Guide - is an author and speaker who helps mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law get along together better, forever. Not only is she a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law, but she is also a licensed clinical psychotherapist, with nearly 30 years of experience in the mental health profession. As a private practitioner for more than 20 years and a researcher on the subject of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships, she spreads the word on why this relationship is so difficult and gives women simple tools to transform this relationship for the better. Dr. Brann is also writing a book on mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships and her interactive website - http://drdeannabrann.com/ - is a place to ask questions and find answers!
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