What can a mother-in-law do to have a positive relationship with her daughter-in-law? The following are some of the things we can do to enhance this important relationship and ensure that life does not become a battlefield.
- Don't interfere in your son and daughter-in-law's lives. This includes things such as: not dropping in unexpectedly, giving unasked for advice, overstepping the boundaries, or mentioning possible events to grandchildren without first confirming with their parents;
- Because most young families lead exceedingly busy lives, be aware of this and don't call when it is the children's bedtimes, their meal times or when you know they are rushing out the door to go to school, a soccer practice or music lessons;
- Be an involved fun grandparent but only as much as their parents want you to be. It will no doubt be appreciated also if you are available for occasional babysitting;
- If babysitting, try to follow the parents' rules and way of doing things. This may be more important with some families than with others. With one son and his family and with my daughter, they feel it's a grandparent's right to do things their way. But with two other sons and their families, they have very definite ways of doing things. In this case, it's particularly important to respect their wishes in order to avoid family conflicts;
- If offering help to your daughter-in-law, don't be offended or hurt if she asks her own mother or a friend instead. Each person has their own way of doing things and sometimes a daughter-in-law may not have the confidence to tell her mother-in-law that isn't how she wants something done;
- Be friendly and affectionate but don't expect that your daughter-in-law will have the same relationship with you that she has with her own mother; after all you are the mother-in-law, not the mother. To expect otherwise is only asking for heartache;
- However, do treat your daughter-in-law as lovingly as you do your son and grandchildren keeping in mind the boundaries each person establishes. All boundaries should be honored;
- Have open communication. Don't carry on conversations with your son and make your daughter-in-law feel left out. Be fair in all interactions with your daughter-in-law. Treat her as a daughter to ensure that she truly feels that she is part of the family;
- Be respectful of different opinions and attitudes - not all of us agree on everything and daughter-in-laws are no different;
- Be aware of what has not been said, and develop a thick skin, if necessary;
- Don't take it upon yourself to discipline your grandchildren when their parents are there to do it. If they don't, even if you think they should, they are their children and any discipline is their decision to make;
- Appreciate your daughter-in-law as the mother of your special grandchildren. She is also another daughter to love;
- Don't criticize your daughter-in-law to your son - most sons will side with their wives. After all, they have to live with them. This happened to my mother and she was alienated from the family of her son and daughter-in-law for two years. It is only natural that when your son marries, his wife and children become his first priority. As a mother/mother-in-law, you take a backseat. However, you won't be stuck in the backseat by yourself if you can have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law;
- Retain your sense of humor and keep your hurt feelings locked in the bathroom with you;
- Take an interest in your daughter-in-law and be complimentary;
- Don't be self-centered and talk only about your own interests, health, etc. And definitely, if you're having a grumpy day, do not go to the home of your son and daughter-in-law, stay home and grumble to your best friend, if necessary.
The most crucial thing to remember with a daughter-in-law relationship is respect. Although, like everything else, it does take two to make anything work properly. One, no matter how hard they try, is not going to be able to do it if the other is determined that the relationship will not work. I am, therefore, fortunate to have been blessed with excellent daughter-in-laws.
Sylvia Behnish has recently published her first non-fiction book entitled "Rollercoaster Ride With Brain Injury (For Loved Ones)" and her first fiction novel entitled "His Sins", a three generation family saga. She has also had numerous articles published in newspapers and magazines in both Canada and the United States on subjects relating to family issues, brain injuries, motivational topics and travel.
"Rollercoaster Ride With Brain Injury (For Loved Ones)" and "His Sins" can be ordered by e-mail at: http://www.progressofabraininjury.blogspot.com
Blog: http://www.sbehnish.blogspot.com
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